Feelings of Grief and a Hopeful Future

Feelings of Grief and a Hopeful Future

April 1, 2024

Joy Stepinski, MSN, RN-BC

While caring for a pet can bring joy to one’s life, the health literature also discusses the negative psychological impact when suffering the loss of an animal. On Wednesday, March 13, my beautiful and loving cat, Madeline, died. She would have turned 18 on April 15. Madeline was introduced to me when she was a tiny kitten through a dear friend who was fostering her. I miss her every day. I miss her chirps and purrs, and the way she always greeted me whenever I arrived home.

Madeline’s death prompted me to think a lot about the emotions we experience after going through a loss. Although losses are most associated with the death of a loved one, they can also be experienced when an enormous life change happens (i.e., health crisis, job loss, etc.). According to Alan Wolfelt, a death educator and grief counselor, the deeply personal internal thoughts and feelings surrounding a loss are named “grief” [1] Grief is a journey that may alternate between raw emotions and distant feelings.

Part of the grief journey requires mourning, the outward expression of emotions. Mourning is an important process toward healing. Wolfelt outlines six needs of mourning, which I will paraphrase here.

1. Acknowledging the reality of the death Our loved one is no longer physically present and acknowledging this reality may take weeks or even months. Replaying the events surrounding the death in our minds, as well as facing memories (positive or negative) makes the death more real.

2. Embracing the pain of the loss Although our society often encourages denial of pain, confronting the pain is an important step in the grief process. If the pain is denied, we may repress the emotions that embody it.

3. Remembering the person who died Memories reflect the significance of our loved one and “give testimony to a different form of continued relationship.”  Photos and other mementos are important. Remembering and embracing the past can help establish a hopeful future.

4. Developing a new identity When a loved one dies, the way you identify yourself may change. For example, a wife becomes a widow. Consequently, new roles may need to be taken on that were once accomplished by the one who died. A new identity may result in dependence on others or feeling like a child. Initially, this change may bring fear or helplessness, yet ultimately a sense of resilience may ensue. A new identity may bring empowerment, renewed confidence, or highlight a different personality trait.

5. Searching for meaning The purpose and meaning of life may be questioned. Spirituality may be confronted, with questions such as “Why did God let this happen?” As a result, feeling powerless may be a normal response. Other emotions of overwhelming sadness, loneliness, and lack of control may surface. Because the person was part of you, you may feel that part of you died, too. Searching for new meaning becomes a part of the journey.

6. Receiving ongoing support from others Connections to others are vital. Support may be required for months or years. Grief is not something that is simply resolved. Having a support network that encourages you to mourn so that you can heal is a healthy need.

A well-known psychiatrist, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, developed a framework for those facing death of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. She applied the same five principles to those who grieve. In the book On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss, co-authored by David Kessler, the authors describe that the stages are not meant to be linear, but instead a tool to help grieving people frame and identify their feelings.

With denial, life may not make any sense or may feel meaningless and overwhelming. This is not denying the death, but rather denying the pain in the difficulty to fully believe and accept the loss. The emotions of anger may surface because the situation could not be stopped, loved ones were left behind, or the existence of God was questioned. Bargaining involves “what if…” “What if we had caught the disease sooner…?” or “If I do xyz, then can the pain be taken away?” Depression is a normal part of the grieving process. Often, society tends to stigmatize people who show depression after loss and suggests that pharmacological treatment must be provided. However, not experiencing depression after death would not be a natural response. The authors relay that depression is a defense mechanism that allows our bodies time and space to adapt to the loss. The sad and empty feelings can be cleansing and serve a purpose in processing the death. The last stage presented is acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that the grieving person is in favor of the loss. Instead, this stage refers to accepting the new reality and the realization that life will be different. New experiences and relationships may occur as a result of the loss.

Wolfelt echoes these sentiments by expressing that the grief journey never ends. Once a new reality is integrated without the presence of the loved one, reconciliation occurs. There is renewed meaning, complete acknowledgment of the death, and the ability to embrace activities of living again. Although the feelings of loss do not disappear, they will soften and the intensity will become less. The loved one will not be forgotten and hope for continued living will occur. Wolfelt created the “Mourner’s Bill of Rights,” which addresses relating to others after experiencing loss.

Kübler-Ross and Kessler share that loss is not something to just “get over.” Grieving encompasses learning to live without a loved one. “Grief is real because loss is real. Each grief has its own imprint, as distinctive and unique as the person we lost. The pain of loss is so intense, so heartbreaking, because in loving we deeply connect with another human being, and grief is the reflection of the connection that has been lost. We think we want to avoid grief, but really it is the pain of the loss we want to avoid. Grief is the healing process that ultimately brings us comfort in our pain” [2]. While we will not be the same person as before the loss, healing eventually can take place. Life will be rebuilt around the loss. There is hope to feel “whole” once more. Rest in peace, sweet Madeline. I will keep you in my heart always.

References

1.    Wolfelt, A. (2023). The journey through grief: The six needs of mourning. Center for Loss and Life Transition. https://www.centerforloss.com/2023/12/journey-grief-six-needs-mourning/

2.    Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Simon and Schuster.

3.    Wolfelt, A. (n.d.) The Mourner’s Bill of Rights. https://www.centerforloss.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/MBR.pdf